Attending a Wedding

Your first day of work is intimidating. Realizing that you have to pay taxes is a bummer. But the biggest phantom punch of life after college hits when people who used to give you atomic wedgies in middle school or rock keg stands at your frat in college start getting married. The first time a wedding album crops up in your Facebook newsfeed, you’re first thought will probably be “holy $*&#!” But once you’ve calmed down, you should be getting amped to catch your first wedding invite. Ain’t no party like a wedding party…

But before you get too excited about open bars and enormous cakes, know this—free booze after a long, boring ceremony could easily precipitate a disastrous misstep will stay with you like a scarlet letter if you started it. We already taught you how to be the consummate wedding guest, but take a look at these tips on wedding etiquette to guarantee that the ceremony will be remembered happily ever after (even if the marriage isn’t).

The Invitation

Much like My Super Sweet 16 invites, wedding invitations can spark drama months before the ceremony even begins. If you receive an invitation, the best thing to do is RSVP as soon as you get it. Weddings are very expensive, and the couple needs to know exactly how many people are coming so they know how much (not) to spend. Almost all invitations come with a reply card on which you fill in your name and check either “accepts with pleasure” or “declines with regrets.” If the couple doesn’t provide a reply card, send a handwritten note. Warning: unless the invitation says explicitly says “+ guest,” you cannot bring a guest. So don’t reply telling them you’re bringing one anyway—it ain’t that type of party!

For the response, you can just parrot back the language of the invitation, but here are some sample acceptance and regret notes to clue you in:

Mr. Nathaniel Archibald
accepts with pleasure
Mr. and Mrs. Jones’
kind invitation for
Saturday the sixth of June

Mr. Nathaniel Archibald
regrets that he is unable to accept
Mr. and Mrs. Jones’
kind invitation for
Saturday the sixth of June

What if you’re busy or you heard about the wedding through the grapevine but never caught an invite? Here are some delicate situations that might crop up:

• If you can’t go (or just don’t want to). Send a note excusing your absence (e.g., see above), express regret that you can’t make it, and wish the couple all the best. Don’t worry about offending anybody—soon enough they’ll forget all about it when they realize they just got MARRIED and start to freak out!
• If you’re not invited (but think you should be). Don’t take it personally. Some couples like to have small, very private ceremonies. Some just prefer family. And some elope in Vegas (and get divorced 55 minutes later). If you truly think your invitation was lost in the mail, wait until the very last minute to contact the couple.
• If the wedding is on the Côte d’Azur. Certain couples, drunk on their own love, decide to have their wedding in some exotic location and expect a recent grad to be able to attend. The nerve! Find out what other friends’ plans are and figure out how to defray costs by sharing rooms, etc. Or just respectfully decline.

Wedding Gifts

If you’re already dropping hard-earned cash to travel to the wedding and stay in a hotel, the gift may be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. Unfortunately, it’s customary for all invited guests to give presents. The good news is you don’t have to present the gift right way—generally you’re expected to give it up to twelve months after the wedding date, so if you need to save up some cash you have time. It’s definitely possible to stick to a sensible budget without looking like a miserly a-hole.

How much should I spend?

There’s no set rule for how much you should spend on a wedding gift, although most believe that the amount you spend on the gift should at least match the cost of your dinner at the wedding (but not how much whiskey you can consume!). Not good at eyeballing the cost of meals? In a nutshell, how much you spend on the gift depends on your relationship to the couple. If the fiancés are just your acquaintances, then $20–$50 gifts are perfectly acceptable. If your close friends are getting married, the benchmark range for a gift is between $50 and $100. On the flipside, if your best friend is tying the knot or if an immediate family member is getting married, etiquette dictates you should spend from $100 to $200 on the gift. Also, if you are more than just a guest (i.e., a member of the wedding party) then a gift closer to the $200 mark is more appropriate. Of course, these are just general guidelines, and presumably you know the couple best—use your discretion, but refer to the guidelines above if you’re completely lost.

Of course, if money is tight, couples will understand. Gifts are never demanded, and gracious couples will be pleased with whatever you get them if you’re on a budget. Plus, there should always be some pretty cheap items on the registry that will at least show that you put some thought into the gift.

What should I buy?

Most couples register their gifts online ahead of time so that the guests don’t need to worry about buying an unwanted/unneeded gift—usually they’ll tell you where they’ve registered. Unless you know for sure that they want something else, you should basically just stick to the registry, since the last thing they need is a bunch of crap they don’t need (they’ve got each other, after all). That said, sometimes just giving cash is also considered appropriate, especially if the couple is young.

Take a look at this article from theknot.com for more wedding gift ideas.

Keep in mind that while giving whoopee cushions, sex toys, or a stripper may have been hilarious in college, even the couple with the best sense of humor won’t appreciate the joke on their wedding. Save these items for the anniversary. Or the bachelor party. Or the divorce…