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Top 10 Ways to Stay Unemployed

By Christopher Schonberger

If there's one thing this economic meltdown has taught us, it's that—at least for the time being—foolishness will not be tolerated. America is ushering in a "new age of responsibility," so employers are theoretically cracking down on clowns who think they're back in the DOT COM era, when you could get respect even if you wore Tevas to a meeting.

So what does that mean for you, fair job-hunter? It's time to step your game up. To help you avoid a major misstep, we've compiled a list of the Top 10 Ways to Stay Unemployed.

1) Have a voicemail recording of you yelling, "Waaazzzzuuupppppp muthafuckaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!" Once you start sending your resume and phone number out to employers, make sure you have a appropriate voice message.

2) Put your grandma as your only reference. Of course she thinks the sun shines out of your backside...she's senile!

3) Bring a dog to your interview and say, "We're kind of a package deal..." Puppies may be the answer to the global economic crisis, but you'll find yourself in the employment dog house (also known as your parents' basement) if you're incapable of leaving behind your labradoodle.

4) Reenact the utter insanity of Aleksey Vayner's "Impossible Is Nothing" video resume. Apparently, Aleksey finally wised up and took his clip off the Web. Fortunately, Michael Cera has preserved the essence for us with "Impossible Is the Opposite of Possible."

5) Know absolutely nothing about the company where you're interviewing. It's great to bring some pointed questions to an interview. It shows that you're engaged and also allows you to learn more about the company and the position. But try to avoid asking the question, "So, what exactly is it that you guys do here?"

6) Tell your interviewer that he or she "looks a bit gay in those clothes." A quick way to get HR to say Auf Wiedersehen!

7) Grow a ponytail. Unless you are an IT maven or a stunt double for Mario Batali while he's cooking flambé, this decision will probably make you look like a fool. (See our resident blogger Tom Wiseman for evidence.)

8) Only apply to jobs that you really, really, really want. As we said before, this is not the 90s. In the midst of a record job losses and big cuts in job offerings, beggars can't be choosers.

9) Ask for your interviewer's cell phone number, then text "miss u already ;)" as soon as you leave the building. This move only works in films featuring Hugh Grant, and even then it's not in the context of getting a job. It's in the theater of love, where there are no rules.

10) Demand "generous compensation + unlimited free wireless" when asked for salary requirements. We all want free wireless, but you've got to know how to pick your battles.

Now you know how not to get a job. For tips on actually landing one, check out 30 in 30: The Insider's Guide to Job-Hunting in '09.

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